I got my cosmetology license!

No, not really. I actually just downloaded Super Salon (which is available in the Google Play Store for free) 

I'm not linking to it because this is not a paid review, but here's the way it looks in the Play Store at the time of writing this.

 

So, I like to roast bad games sometimes; I see the ads and I think "this couldn't possibly suck as much as I think, right?" Then I search around to make sure it isn't one of those scam games that will brick your phone or steal your credit card info. And once I've got that down, well... Let's just see how Super Salon plays, shall we? Let's take a journey into the compromise of "How little can we spend to make this functional?" and "How functional are we talking here? Like, how functional does it have to be?"

For this kind of game, I play with data/wifi off, because as I'm sure we all understand, these are basically cash grabs with a gimmick attached and I'm not interested in seeing an ad every 30-90 seconds. To clarify, I don't mind watching ads to support the content I enjoy, but it has to be something I choose to watch (like those "watch an ad to spin the wheel" types of things) rather than something that jarringly interrupts the experience.That said, that didn't mean I wasn't still prone to sales pitches from this free app. Of course not.

A VIP customer, whom I can only play if I watch an ad. I think I'm supposed to believe he's a celebrity?

I did give these VIP customers a try exactly once, but the ad was longer than the play experience, so I turned Wifi right back off again and went back to playing the free levels. "What are the free levels anyway?" I hear you asking, and I'm so glad you asked, because the game has a... medicine cabinet? I think? That tells you what's in store:

Under the dubious heading "Tools" you can see the following game modes in this order: Trimmer (which is an eyebrow trimmer), Mask (a clay face mask), Blackhead Removal (with a picture of what looks like a needle) Cosmetic Surgery Kit (shows a first aid box), Eye Makeup (and a blush brush for some reason), Eye Liner (with a tube of eye liner), Wax Strip (as it says), Lipstick (with lipstick), Hair Color (with what looks like deodorant, maybe?), and Lip Plumper (with some juicy lips). Only the first 3 are unlocked.

Now, I don't think I should be qualified to do Cosmetic Surgery before I'm allowed to apply lipstick, but what do I know? It's not like I have a real cosmetology license, maybe they totally let you do cosmetic surgery right away! Or... ever. Pretty sure you need to be a doctor for that. 🤔But I digress. Let's trim some eyebrows and shit!

A customer! She has a monobrow and walks as though she's a mannequin they forgot to animate. Actually, she's probably a mannequin they forgot to animate

First of all, let me tell you about the animation of the customers I'm supposed to be cosmetologing; it's awful. They all walk like aliens that watched a movie with people in it once and are trying to fake it until they make it.Plus, all the clothes are drawn so bizarrely, with negative space for legs and waists that are smaller than heads. When I said "well, how functional does it have to be?" I was not kidding. The exact minimum amount of effort required to be put on the Play store is what was expended here and not a microsecond more of work was done.

An "instagram" post from "Stefanie" who says "My friends won't believe it's me!" There's a before post showing her with a monobrow and a broken nose, and an after post with those things fixed. Also, Stefanie, if your friends can't tell it's you after you go to the salon, I'm not sure they're your friends. Maybe you're thinking of coworkers? Neighbors? Strangers at the grocery store?

So, now that we understand the formatting, let's start actually taking care of some customers. Let's see, here's someone who wants her eyebrows trimmed and some blackheads removed. Now, I don't go to the salon often, so maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think salon peeps are especially interested in cleaning out your pores? I know I've seen people getting their brows done, so no comment there, but do people really go to the salon to basically wash their face? Please let me know in the comments, because this has been bugging me the entire time.

Ah! Girl, are you ok? That looks more like a weird fungus than eyebrow hair but you're paying me... checks $5 for this, so I guess I'll shut up and take the money...

Rather than trimming, some people wanted to remove just a few eyebrow hairs, one by one, with a tweezer.

Maybe it's jut the miser in me, but I cannot imagine paying someone to pluck exactly 2 eyebrow hairs for me. Do people really go to the salon for this? If it was part of trimming the eyebrows, I get it. But sometimes I'd get a customer like this one who just wanted me to remove those 2 hairs. Honestly, they probably could have been brushed down, too, like... I just do not understand why this game thought this would be such relateably content. Moving on to the vaguely named Masks:

Heck yeah, squeeze that mud right on my face; it's supposed to hover like that right? That's how you know it's working?

Honestly. the top tier graphics are what kept me here. Look at how realistic that mask is! Haven't we all, at one point or another, used a relaxing Hovering Face Mask? There's nothing like it for a girl's night, am I right?

Go ahead, peel that right off my face. I could have saved $15 by doing this at home, but the feeling of a stranger's hands gently massaging mud into my face really elevates the experience.

It's like Dr. Pimple Popper, but less satisfying somehow.

The Blackhead Removal was 100% a pain in the ass. It vibrated constantly the entire time you were "popping" the blackhead or whatever, and it was made really slow so that it felt like you were pressing hard? I don't know, maybe people who are into that kind of thing would be into it, but it was just... really annoying.

A black woman with a long nose, with the words “Fix her nose by moving it to the proper place” overlaid on the top portion of the image.

So, just to be clear, we’re saying that the way her nose apparently grew naturally on her face isn’t the “proper” place for her nose? Just checking, because it’s 2020 and I don’t know that they should, uh, be suggesting that, is all. Additionally, Ma’am, this is a salon; I can give you a face mask or trim your eyebrows. Are you really sure you trust me in this open, non-sanitary in any way salon to just move your face around like putty? I mean, you’re entitled to your own life choices, but I’m just giving you the opportunity to make the right one. 

 

 Same customer as above but I’ve moved the nose so that it’s now pointing somewhat to the side

I mean, “the proper place,” is pretty vague. Is this the proper place? Who am I to judge? Whatever nose you’re happy with is the right one, babe, you do you. Super Salon does not agree however, and this is the Wrong Answer. There can only be One Nose and its suspiciously Euro-centric.

 

Going back to the “broken nose” well, but this time with the spicy addition of bushy eyebrows.

 

So, maybe it’s just me, but this is where I started to get a hella racist vibe from this app. I mean, it’s a free app designed to get me to click on ads, it’s not like I expected a lot, but this Cosmetic Surgery mini-game has me feeling like I should slap some lightning bolts to my sleeve and continue to experiment on these people for the good of The Motherland. Jesus Christ man.

A male customer, with comically odd body proportions. His head and shoulders are broad, then narrows into a waist and hip that is just barely the same size as his head.

In case you thought the body issues were just for the woman, congratulations! This app has solved sexism, because his hips are exactly as small as the women’s. #Equality #WeDon’tNeedFeminismAnymore

A light-skinned woman with textured hair, sporting a racist “witch” nose, now with hollow cheeks to match

They just… keep reaching down this awful well, don’t they? Are the developers alive in the same decade as the rest of us, or are they time traveling to test out whether we would accept a society in which we all get “the surgery” upon maturity?

A black woman with a “misaligned” jaw making her mouth appear left of center.

Somehow I really thought it was going to be all noses and then cheek fillers, but I’m apparently also supposed to be doing orthodontic surgery too? I don’t think changing the angle of someone’s chin is an outpatient procedure, but Super Salon says Just Do It Anyway.

A white woman with busy brows and an upturned nose

First of all, no one’s eyebrows look like that! Second of all, I can’t help you with that nose, ma’am. Have you tried loving yourself for who you already are? We don’t all have to look like the Kardashians, there’s beauty in all of us. If you hate yourself so much you’re willing to go to a salon that charges $30 to “fix” your nose to “the proper place” you should probably stop and visit a therapist before you get yourself murdered in a back-alley surgery gone wrong.

Back to the medicine cabinet, where you can see that I’ve now unlocked Cosmetic Surgery Kit, Eye Makeup, and Eyeliner.

I’ve paid my dues with those horrible illegal surgeries, and I can finally do Eye Makeup and Eyeliner. I’m not sure why those are different things because they’re typically done at the same time but whatever, I’m not the expert here. I’m sure Super Salon did their research.

A light skinned woman with blue eyes that are aligned poorly, giving the face a creepy expression; meanwhile the app is indicating that the woman’s cheeks are somehow wrong.

Super Salon, I need you to get your shit together. Those are perfectly normal cheeks, but those eyes are haunting.

A customer waiting to have eyeliner applied; the guide for makeup application is indicating that I should place the makeup directly into her eyeballs.

Super Salon, I understand that I am not the expert here, but to be fair, I have worn eyeliner before, and clearly you haven’t. May I gently suggest that she probably does not want me to place the eyeliner directly into her eyes?

A before and after “Instagram” post from Nakesha, who comments “I look like a different person altogether!”

Well Nakesha, that’s because you are a different person altogether. Yeah, I get that you may not have liked your sunken, corpse-like cheeks and your crooked nose that looked like a 40’s propaganda poster, but at least you were a unique individual! Now you’re just a clone of every single customer I get in this place. Is there anyone else out there? Am I trapped in a simulation? Hello?!

A customer whose jaw is so poorly aligned that she cannot close her mouth.

Ma;am, I…I would be glad to remove your blackheads if that’s something you want me to do, but I… I am not qualified…

A before and after where Meredith says I’m “#Recommended”

So glad Meredith is recommending me to her friends, but Meredith, you forgot to @SuperSalon in your post, don’t forget to Like and Subscribe, hit the bell icon and @ me on all your posts! Leave me a comment down below on which super fruit is the most super! #viral

Customer walking in, never breaking eye contact with the ceiling

Welcome to Super Salon, how can I help you? Yes, we did have the ceiling painted recently, thank you for noticing!

Meredith Again

Hello, welcome to  - Ah! Meredith! How did this happen to your nose again? Why are you acting like this isn’t a recent injury? Am I in Groundhog Day? Is anything real anymore?

An eyeliner customer, already wearing eyeshadow

Ma’am, I’m more than happy to just paint over whatever you already did at home, but I just want to clarify: You want me to put eyeliner on your eyeliner? Ok, just wanted to be sure, I’ll get right on it.

 

There was more; there was so much more. If anyone’s interested, I’ll do a follow up with the rest of the options Super Salon has, but for today? Phew. I am done. I’m clocking out of the salon, peace.