I usually try not to post unless I think I have something worthwhile to say, but I'm the kind of person that tend to keep things to myself. I'm not big on, you know, sharing things. Even though that's partially what a blog is about, sharing things with the internet.
The thing is, I'm actually going through a lot of different really life changing things right now, and I'm not 100% sure how to cope, or if I want things to be going the way they are. I mean, so many things are completely out of my control right now, that the things I can change seem so petty and pointless.
I'm thinking of going back to school. I really want to finish, and I really want to go back to teaching. I really miss it, and the feelings of accomplishment and happiness full-time, gainful employment provided. Unfortunately, if I go back to college, I have less time, if any at all, to go to work, and anyway, I need a car, because I keep getting passed over because I have hours restrictions due to taking the bus, and I can't just come in at the drop of a hat. But I can't get a car until I have a job, so I dunno. And then the truth is, I am not making really any money at all right now. I make less than $200/month before taxes, which I have to take out for myself by the way, because my employer lists me as an "independent contractor" (which I am clearly not. I answer the goddamn phones and do some light cleaning at the end of the one day I week I work there. No way in hell am I an "independent contractor", despite the fact that I had to sign a contract absolving them of paying for any of my business expenses, which includes taxes, lucky for them.
I have a friend in the hospital, and when he gets out, I'm going to be moving (probably, maybe. It's really hard to look ahead too far right now, honestly) He gets out the 24th (probably, they can change it at any time for any reason, so...) and when he gets out, I'm going to be somewhat of a casual caretaker for him, which means I'm going to loose a lot of freedom that I have right now. He lent me his car so I can take care of his apartment (which is more than 30 miles away from mine, and in a different county) so when he gets out in 2 weeks, I have to give that up. But he'll also be staying with us part time, which means I'll be losing a lot of privacy. Don't get me wrong, I love him and he's like a brother to me, but I'm still a little depressed about all of that. Not to mention I don't have any ability to create my own independence for the next foreseeable future. The only way to do that is to finally finish school and well... I already talked about why that's kind of unlikely to happen, because bills gots to get paid, regardless of if you're trying to better yourself.
Not to mention, I might be pregnant. I won't be able to take a pregnancy test until at least the 27th, but I should probably wait until the 30th or the 1st to get a more accurate result. Now, this is something I was looking forward to, and that I wanted to happen, but stacked on top of everything else I have coming up, it feels like just one more thing to do in a sea of Things Demanding My Attention. I think I'll be upset no matter what result I get (wimmins. They always be cryin' about somethin'. Tsk.) partially because I spent a lot of money to be able to get pregnant, and if it doesn't work, I'll need to spend another batch of A Lot of Money. But if it did work, then I have to set up midwife appointments and apply for medicaid and talk to my employer about "Hey, how 'bout more hours so I can be supportin' mah chillens?" which I would like because I actually love my job. A lot. Its one of the few nice places I've worked that weren't full of terrible people expecting terrible things from people who don't want to be there any more than they do, but they already cut my hours once, and I don't know... I guess I'm scared they'll fire me, but I know they like me, and I've been working there a few months already, and we all like each other, and get along, but they are a charity, so the amount the can spend on staff, or at all, really, and I already feel like some kind of weird burden. I feel ike them employing me is a charity as is, which it shouldn't be, but...
Ugh, it's 1 in the morning, and I have to visit my hospital-bound friend kind of early. I don't know. I guess the take-away is Fuck This Economy, I Wish I Could Move To Denmark, Or At Least Somewhere That Isn't As Shitty As The Poor South.
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